Archive Page 2

fatigue

I am continually

blown away

by the effects of fatigue.

It is like a drug which

absolves

actions, behaviours, and

thoughts.

I enter each day

with the best intentions

but

if my night has been

chaotic

full of waking moments

full of feeding

full of that whinging cry

full of wet beds

full of nightmares

full of heat

or

full of cold snaps

I wake the next morning

awfully

regretful

that I have

to start the day.

My tone of voice is

sharp and shrill.

I snap or

I am silent and each time

I forgive myself

because

I’m tired.

But it’s not fair and

it’s not enough.

And little people can’t achieve

that level of empathy

yet.

How are they

to understand?

That mummy

is

damn

tired and

therefore

not

expected

to be

nice.

I have spent

5 years now

tired.

It’s nothing new

so I shouldn’t act

each time

with such

entitlement.

This is

life

right now.

the day the car hit the wall

My fingers are slowly slipping

And it won’t take much for me to fall.

Apart.

I don’t take care.

I make too many mistakes

I won’t be what I was

I don’t concentrate.

I self-flagellate.

I cry.

I complain.

I tick over the days.

I hate not having much money.

I hate the slippery fall into debt.

I could work.

I hate that I can’t relax.

I forget to breathe.

I forget breathing is all there is.

It’s all I know.

I hate that I don’t want to be here right now.

I hate this weather, there’s no relief.

I hate that I can’t play with my 2 year old

I hate that I feel so bored, so numb.

I hate that I can’t just have moments.

I hate that I know I can change things but I don’t.

I am agitated, anxious.

I am grinding my jaw and tensing my shoulders.

 

But,

I can express gratitude.

I am grateful today that

I didn’t hit anyone when I was driving

There is a breeze through the house

That my baby woke once

For coffee.

That C was with a client when I rang him with the news

That I will survive; we will.

That

We have food in the house

I can cry if I want to

It’s just money – even if we have only a little.

That

Even gardenias with their amazing perfume, still have soiled petals.

That

The glass is still

Relentlessly

Half full.

 

I’ll do things my way

copyright sixtostart.com


So I thought I might go for a 2 word year.

Less, and

Play.

Kind of like the yin and the yang.

A gentle equilibrium.

It felt safer doing it that way

but

do you know?

Since choosing,

Less

Has definitely been more than

Play.

Funny that.

I think far more about

trying to achieve

less

in my life, than

trying to achieve

more play.

Who’d have thought?

We have less at the moment,

less money,

less time,

less patience.

So I’m working towards

less stress

less spent

less planned activity

to try and give

each one of us

a bit

more.

One word year

One word.

Less, or

Play.

One full and the other,

not so full.

I’m sitting with both

until one,

reaches up and

grabs me.

 

Why, when I have to choose,

am I only conscious

of what I’ll leave out

rather than

what I’ll gain

by choosing.

The quiet

It has been quiet round here.

We don’t say much and when we do

it’s not always helpful.

We’re tired and cross.

We both want to make it better

but neither knows how.

I think about making it better.

All. The. Time.

I wonder if he does too.

I think about a lot of things.

Of making me better, of making us all a bit better.

I’m doing big work and I hope

I don’t give up

too soon.

 

It’s hot and we’re inside a lot.

That doesn’t work well but

right now

we have no alternative.

I know we both want an alternative

but our lives just aren’t there,

right now.

A new house, a garden, more space, more light,

privacy, room, things on the wall,

quiet

at night.

Ah, at night,

the quiet.

I’m back

I’m not sure the protocol in these situations.
Am I meant to start a new blog.
My purpose is gratitude.
Which fits too neatly with half full glasses.
I’m sticking around until
I think of somewhere better,
if I think of somewhere better,
to house my thoughts.

These days we are quiet.
There are now five where there were four.
We’ve added another little boy.
Four and a half months and every day more.

The reason these days are quiet,
is because 2 little boys leave
the house early in the morning
3 days a week.
These days are my solace, my substenance
my necessity.

So gratitude seems to me
one very real way
of making sure I live
squarely in every moment.
Looking for the things about which
I should give thanks.
Maybe looking will help me
be.

Nurture

Life ebbs and flows and kinda dips a lot at the moment. I’m still trying to find my feet in Melbourne and mentally get on top of my body’s health.

One thing I have decided to do, now that I have the time as a SAHM (ouch!!) is cook. In particular, make my lunch from scratch.

Cooking brings me joy. Even more so, eating what I’ve cooked. So, they say focus on the little things each day that make you feel ok. And that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s a crap photo but here is my lunch time salad. So yummy and even pretty fun to cook. Actually lot’s of fun. I found the recipe here which is a GREAT site. As someone who is trying to eat healthier in the hope that my body responds with gusto, this site makes cooking and eating healthily still seem lots of fun.

mostly swimming end of Sydney 029