Archive for the 'Day-to-day' Category

Sunshine and cleaners

So, I’m on the improve. Well, my mood is. You know, things find they’re normal rhythm again pretty easily. Everything feels like it’s slowly shifting downwards and then someone changes the gears and you start reversing back up again. Slowly sure, but up nonetheless.

I still feel sick and I don’t know why. I’d like to work that out.

I’m thinking of getting coaching for my writing. It’s like a drug (not writing that is). I know it’s bad for me and it only feels good (or at least easier) momentarily but then I feel total crap for not doing it. So, I’ve come to the point where I can actually admit I need some help and am voluntarily checking myself into a 12-step coaching programme. I hope I see the light soon!

Oh, and we’re getting the house cleaned by professionals this afternoon. Thank the lord. It  has become crazily overwhelming and made me feel like shit all week – how crap the house looks that is.

Anyway, due to the lighter note round here, I thought I’d share the following. You know, I attribute much of my shift back up to the inspiration I receive in the world around me. It’s up to me to seek it out because when I find it, it lifts me higher and highter. I am deeply grateful for this. 

listening to:

and LOVING it

coveting: this website. I love his work and his words.

reading: sweet read. I’m enjoying it alot.

looking at: this beautiful site. It touches me deeply. Grief (death) is something I actively avoid contemplating and I know that I need to be more open to it. The expansiveness that this guy demonstrates to the impending loss of his father is remarkable and meaningful.

eating:  this bread which just makes me feel warm inside.

watching: finally finished Series 2 of 30Rock (llliiizzz llleeemmmooonnn). Great laugh-out- loud amusement

As days go by

It is getting colder here. It’s hard not to feel a bit blah. C’s back is out so he lies around the house, under the quilt, watching ESPN ad nauseum. I’m trying to work and I don’t feel like saying much. That seems to bug him a bit. He wants entertaining. The boys have been at daycare and while it’s great to get some work done, I miss them. I miss their injection.

I feel tired from disrupted nights of wet beds, nappy changes and bottles. I’m doing it on my own. See previous comment about C’s back. I’m also writing all day for work and then traipsing off into the late afternoon wind to the train station to shuttle to the  dusty bowel in the west where I teach.

I’m also obsessively reading inspirational blogs where mothers post numerous photos of general family frolicking in the Northern Hemisphere sun. But it doesn’t scratch, it makes me feel better.

Ho hum. I want time for so much more in my life than I have now. I’m just getting that ‘me time’ urge that seems to plauge mothers. I feel guilty for that. Like I don’t really deserve it. Like I made my bed and now should lie in it.

All seems silly. Sorry.

And I feel nauseous. And I bit nervous.

the here and now

I’ve been crazy busy working, trying to see old friends as they whish quickly into town and then out again. I’ve got a lot I want to write about but I just thought I’d pop in quickly to share the here and now.

Right now:

reading: beautiful stories and woven narratives full of subtle suspense.

listening: to funkaroo, uplifting, pretty music. I don’t know anything else that they do but this makes me smile and they’re so young they could seriously be toilet training.

watching: alot. Dinner on Friday night consisted of sitting around a computer screen, drinking beer, screaming with laughter and pushing away tears of grace. Check this out.

eating: the tango-ist of cheese with hearty bread.







If I close my eyes…..

Chet Baker could be Pete Campbell singing…..and that’s just depressing. I heart Chet and snarl at Pete.

Midnight hour

So, I was lying in bed last night planning my post on how improved I feel health-wise especially since my dear naturopathic-friend-in-training gave me some incredibly useful advice on improving my immune system. Then, pow, I woke up this morning feeling catatonically tied to the bed, unable to move anything but my head. I feel like it’s one step forward, two back but it’s made me more determined not to compromise on the guidelines I’ve been given to improve this shitty feeling.

It didn’t help that the boys woke at 540am. They are still in the same room and have been for a week now. It totally sucks. But I’m not allowed to say that – I’ll explain later. They’ve had one night of ‘sleeping through’ where we haven’t had to feed, move, pat, get-into-bed with either of them. Otherwise it’s like having two newborns. Did I say it sucks? Oops.

Every time I complain, I’m accused of being ‘negative’ about the whole arrangement. And even though I know I have a slight tendency sometimes to veer towards the negative, this time I’m merely stating it like it is – that is, the arrangement SUCKS. This is all so the boys can have their own ‘playroom’ (S having given up his bedroom) but really it’s so all the toys have somewhere to go and C can look around the house and ‘pretend’ he doesn’t have kids. Really, it’s all for the wrong reasons and guess who’s paying for the whimsical fancy? Actually I’ve pretty much refused to get up in the night now having made my feelings about the arrangement clear.

Don’t you think that’s fair? If C’s sooo insistent on keeping things as they are despite the fact our sleep no longer belongs to us (AGAIN) and in the knowledge that sleep-deprivation kind of sends me over that nasty edge we all hate, isn’t it fair that he does the hard-yards? I still feel bad every time he gets up to them and lay awake guilt crawling all over me even after they finally go back to sleep, so really I’m not benefitting much sleep-wise anyway.

Anyway, moan moan I know but hey. So what are your thoughts on my refusal to even turn over when the inevitable wail launches into the midnight hour?

December 2019
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