Archive for the 'Day-to-day' Category


I know that not writing on your blog for an extended period of time is , well, a travesty. Good thing that no one really nreads my blog and therefore no one is really missing anything at all.

Having said this, it’s been a couple of weeks of quick, slippery slides….down. Down. Down. For the first time in a long time I thought about the packet of tablets sitting in my bedside table top draw since December. I’ve looked at the packet. I’ve picked it up. I’ve taken the tablet sheet out. I’ve imagined what it would feel like to pop one out of it’s little casing. I’ve wondered, deep down, if I need them. If they will help me cope with my condition. If they will help me see a little joy in the days that follow and are to come.

It’s been a tough time round here. You will remember this. And most importantly, I was feeling about it. My father-in-law was sentenced last Friday for a scarily, inordinate amount of time. I mean, I know he did something bad. Something wrong that hurt other people. But what other people lost was money. He’s losing his life (of sorts). It may sound melodramatic but in sentencing him to 8 years, the judge was basically taking away the life of a 65 year old. Or at least, ensuring that he has no quality of life remaining. We are all in shock. We are all pretty quiet about it.

And we’re moving. Closer to C’s family and far away from mine. That hurts real, real bad. I struggle with my health and to know that I won’t have the support mechanisms that are currently available to me scares me beyond belief. But, I owe it to C. I know we both want something different.

I also know, the only way I can cope with the fate of my father-in-law is to know that he will see those two little boys who bring him so much joy, on  regular basis. That makes me feel ok. That makes it all feel ok.

These are a few of my favourite things

random iPhone June 09 014Reading in bed before the light goes off. The one and only truely me time of the day. Oh, how I relish that first sniff of sheets and the warmth that creeps up as you wriggle around. Then, to reach for a good book, smooth the pillows, get your perch just right and open the pages.

random iPhone June 09 015

Reading my blog roll in the morning (which is quite funny because C likes referring to his enjoyment of a good bog roll in the morning). Or evening, depending on whether I”m able to find 5 minutes during the day. Sometimes I get over it quickly – it seems all too much stuff. But other times, I relish the connection I feel when I read other people’s words.

random iPhone June 09 017

Jonquils have the most divine smell. Their scent brings back a heady rush of childhood memories. Building cubbies in the front paddock amonst the wild jonquils, narcissus and daffodils. I associate them with winter although I guess, typically, their a spring flower. For me, their smell mingles in memories of warm coats, heavy woollen op-shop jumpers, gumboots, scones and hot chocolate, open fires and evening readings of The Secret Garden. I love that these memories come back to me every year when I smell the first scent of jonquils.

Morning walk

Chocolate chip Monday morning

Since making the somewhat disappointing chocolate chip cookies yesterday with A, I have been obsessing about finding the perfect recipe. Sitting down to do the mass of the work that looms every Monday morning, all I can think about is chocolate chip cookies and an accompanying coffee. I’ve been trawling favourite food blogs all morning in search and am gnashing my teeth for a coffee and one of the left over morsels from yesterday.

I can resist no longer. I’m in the kitchen now filling my perculator and pouring my milk.

Ahhhh….how to improve your Monday mornings? I just did.

It’s the little things

I realised this morning as I made S’s bottle that it is the small, inconsequential rituals that bring the most peace. I continue to make his bottles with cooled, boiled water. I know he’s old enough for water from the tap but I love the process of boiling the kettle, filling the pyrex jug, waiting for it too cool and then filling his bottle. I had never thought about it until yesterday but I realise there’s a reason I haven’t been going to the tap. I am attached to this ritual and to the idea that the water he consumes is clean and almost handmade by me.



Sick leave

Oink oink…, I don’t think it is the swine flu but goddamn it’s the bloody African safari version of something that has bought me to my knees (and flat on my back in bed) this last week. Stuff the pigs, I’ve been sick as a dog and all in the lead up to our little soiree in wine country. More than pissed off. But hey, I’ve now passed it on to both boys who have both turned into their own version of Damian. And I’m leaving them tomorrow to sort it out with their grandmothers both of whom are staying here to take care of them while we are away. Yes, these dudes need two fully competent, mothers and grandmothers to look after them because they are FULL ON!

I’m trying to encourage a love- in with A at the moment because his behaviour has been beyond appalling in the last few weeks. It’s like his head is spinning so fast round and round and round all the time and he has not time to stop and check in on what the hell he’s doing. C has lost it and C has the patience of a goldfish. And he’s begun speaking to A in a way that I know does not serve the situation well. I can only figure that A has become this diabolical entity because deep down he’s trying to attract attention that he feels, for whatever reason, is currently lacking. My secret fear (and I have carried this with me since having the boys) is that this is true. That I don’t give him enough attention. That I’m too often distracted. That it’s easier to fold the washing than build a train track. That I pretend I’ve got very important things to do to avoid running in the park and helping him climb the monkey bars.

There I’ve said it. This fear looms large most of the time. It paralyses me and stupidly makes me self-conscious sometimes when I’m with either of the boys. I also have a pathological fear of not being liked and that too plays itself out in my relationship with the boys. How sad is that.

I’m trying hard to bring my attention to these fears and the way they manifest themselves on a day-to-day basis. Hopefully, then, I can make the most of this beauty I carry through my life in every moment.

May 2020