Archive for the 'Body' Category

Nurture

Life ebbs and flows and kinda dips a lot at the moment. I’m still trying to find my feet in Melbourne and mentally get on top of my body’s health.

One thing I have decided to do, now that I have the time as a SAHM (ouch!!) is cook. In particular, make my lunch from scratch.

Cooking brings me joy. Even more so, eating what I’ve cooked. So, they say focus on the little things each day that make you feel ok. And that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s a crap photo but here is my lunch time salad. So yummy and even pretty fun to cook. Actually lot’s of fun. I found the recipe here which is a GREAT site. As someone who is trying to eat healthier in the hope that my body responds with gusto, this site makes cooking and eating healthily still seem lots of fun.

mostly swimming end of Sydney 029

Vacation

We are away at the moment which accounts for how quiet everything has been around here lately. It has been lovely having some time away with the boys and to see them so relaxed and happy.

But my health has been crap. It makes me sad. It makes me very frustrated. It makes me feel disappointed and even a little angry. I feel like I’m doing all I can to try and make it ok and nothing works now after things feeling ok for a while. Let’s just say that my body doesn’t work completely correctly. Sometimes it’s just uncomfortable. Sometimes it actually hurts. Sometimes I’m so embarrassed about it. I just wish something could fly in and make it ok. I just wish I wasn’t allowing it to affect my holiday.

I know that’s my problem. I know that this can be mind over matter. But when something doesn’t work and sometimes hurts, it’s hard to forget about it. I know other people’s bodies are failing them in far more devestating and profound ways. Ways from which they may be unlikely to recover. But it doesn’t stop my anger and my deep disappointment. 

But that’s my last word on the matter.

Away and away

I know I’ve been pretty quiet round here lately. I am crazy, crazy busy having taken on more work from another source just at the same time we had decided that I needed to pull back to focus on the boys. Ha! Isn’t that the way things work? This new work is meant to last only 8 weeks but already I have the feeling it could stretch out a bit longer so I’ll really have to reassess things then. These couple of weeks are particularly crazy so hopefully in a wee while, despite working 2 jobs and looking after two young un’s I feel a bit more balanced. Ha! Who said balance was bunk? Spot on.

I have been waiting to write all day about something in particular. Something that struck me so markedly at the time and made me think immediately, I need to blog about this.

Last night, I joined a wonderful, smart, warm, inviting group of women for another meeting of bookclub. We are all very different – in attitudes, lifestyles, looks, preferences, but we are ALL so open and embracing of everyone and everything. I paint this very flattering picture of us all because it is this wonderful atmosphere that provides the somewhat discordant setting of what happened when I made my way to the toilet.

L’s bathroom is mainly mirrors. You can’t avoid them. Even sitting on the loo. And I was. Sitting on the loo. Smiling to myself about our most recent conversation, R’s joke, B’s insight and generally appreciating it all. Then I got a glimpse of myself. Not a look, simply a glimpse; a very quick blur of brown hair and pale skin. And I knew, deep, deep down that I couldn’t look at myself at that moment. That looking at myself would make me very upset. That looking at myself would whip me so quickly away from the lovely buzz we were all enjoying that night. I knew (and when I say knew, it was something bodily, something so intrinsically known that cognition wasn’t necessary or relevant) that what I would see would be truely ugly. That I would find it ugly. That I would be shocked by this ugliness. I would hate what I saw.

And I didn’t looked. I finished. I washed my hands with my head still hanging low and I returned to the laughter and the food and the wine and the warmth. But I also knew that something terrible had happened. Something I was ashamed of. Something I couldn’t control and yet knew was somehow a huge betrayal of myself and even of everyone sitting around that table. Everyone trying hard to accept themselves and be open to others. I had been unable to look at myself because I was so scared of what I would see. Because I knew that I would be disgusted. Because I knew I wouldn’t have been able to laugh as much when I returned.

This all scared me. I can’t really make sense of it. But I do know that I felt profoundly that I was ugly. Grotesque even. And I can’t help but wonder why?

Sick leave

Oink oink…..no, I don’t think it is the swine flu but goddamn it’s the bloody African safari version of something that has bought me to my knees (and flat on my back in bed) this last week. Stuff the pigs, I’ve been sick as a dog and all in the lead up to our little soiree in wine country. More than pissed off. But hey, I’ve now passed it on to both boys who have both turned into their own version of Damian. And I’m leaving them tomorrow to sort it out with their grandmothers both of whom are staying here to take care of them while we are away. Yes, these dudes need two fully competent, mothers and grandmothers to look after them because they are FULL ON!

I’m trying to encourage a love- in with A at the moment because his behaviour has been beyond appalling in the last few weeks. It’s like his head is spinning so fast round and round and round all the time and he has not time to stop and check in on what the hell he’s doing. C has lost it and C has the patience of a goldfish. And he’s begun speaking to A in a way that I know does not serve the situation well. I can only figure that A has become this diabolical entity because deep down he’s trying to attract attention that he feels, for whatever reason, is currently lacking. My secret fear (and I have carried this with me since having the boys) is that this is true. That I don’t give him enough attention. That I’m too often distracted. That it’s easier to fold the washing than build a train track. That I pretend I’ve got very important things to do to avoid running in the park and helping him climb the monkey bars.

There I’ve said it. This fear looms large most of the time. It paralyses me and stupidly makes me self-conscious sometimes when I’m with either of the boys. I also have a pathological fear of not being liked and that too plays itself out in my relationship with the boys. How sad is that.

I’m trying hard to bring my attention to these fears and the way they manifest themselves on a day-to-day basis. Hopefully, then, I can make the most of this beauty I carry through my life in every moment.

Remembering the grace….

I really need to do this again. I’ve had a tough time recently with a crappy medical diagnosis that has made me awful. It’s a condition that I will live with all my life and I feel too young and too on the brink of the great things in life to have developed this. However, I am coming out of the darkest depths of self-pity and self-flagellation and am realising that now, more than ever, I need to see GRACE in small things. So,

1. Perfect ‘research’ dinner with my beautiful other as we discuss at length our wine-bar project.

2. Coffee with a friend about to leave for a wonderful journey through the Middle East. Vicarious pleasure on my part just hearing about the itinerary.

3. My boy’s face as he spys me through the gate at day care.

4. Soft purple tulips brimming with love.

5. Belief in myself and my own strength that I can manage this thing. I never knew I had it in me.

Ahhhh…..that was easy and I feel great now. I go with grace….

Body let-down

We’ve been away but more than that, I’ve had some bad ‘body’ news in the last few days. It’s a condition that is really bringing me down as I’m not sure it’s resolvable. I’m trying so hard to get back on the ‘glass half full’ wagon but god it’s been hard. Really hard. As hard as it’s been in a long, long, long while and I’m hoping dearly that I’ll get back my mojo and be able to include this ‘condition’ in my life without sacrificing my improving attitude.

More than anything, I’m feeling completely betrayed by my own body. Perhaps I haven’t been kind enough to it in the past? I don’t know. I think I’ve been ok. It’s been kind of slowing down since A’s birth and giving me a bit of grief but now it’s just whacked me one and I just feel like giving in. It’s got me so bad I’m considering going back to my medication. I would hate that but I want to feel better than I do. I guess some CBT might help also because deep down I know that I need to accept this as part of my life in order to move forward. That’s so damn hard right now.

Anyway, we had a lovely time away despite me being pretty down. Photos are to come.