the day the car hit the wall

My fingers are slowly slipping

And it won’t take much for me to fall.

Apart.

I don’t take care.

I make too many mistakes

I won’t be what I was

I don’t concentrate.

I self-flagellate.

I cry.

I complain.

I tick over the days.

I hate not having much money.

I hate the slippery fall into debt.

I could work.

I hate that I can’t relax.

I forget to breathe.

I forget breathing is all there is.

It’s all I know.

I hate that I don’t want to be here right now.

I hate this weather, there’s no relief.

I hate that I can’t play with my 2 year old

I hate that I feel so bored, so numb.

I hate that I can’t just have moments.

I hate that I know I can change things but I don’t.

I am agitated, anxious.

I am grinding my jaw and tensing my shoulders.

 

But,

I can express gratitude.

I am grateful today that

I didn’t hit anyone when I was driving

There is a breeze through the house

That my baby woke once

For coffee.

That C was with a client when I rang him with the news

That I will survive; we will.

That

We have food in the house

I can cry if I want to

It’s just money – even if we have only a little.

That

Even gardenias with their amazing perfume, still have soiled petals.

That

The glass is still

Relentlessly

Half full.

 

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