Archive for September, 2009

Nurture

Life ebbs and flows and kinda dips a lot at the moment. I’m still trying to find my feet in Melbourne and mentally get on top of my body’s health.

One thing I have decided to do, now that I have the time as a SAHM (ouch!!) is cook. In particular, make my lunch from scratch.

Cooking brings me joy. Even more so, eating what I’ve cooked. So, they say focus on the little things each day that make you feel ok. And that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s a crap photo but here is my lunch time salad. So yummy and even pretty fun to cook. Actually lot’s of fun. I found the recipe here which is a GREAT site. As someone who is trying to eat healthier in the hope that my body responds with gusto, this site makes cooking and eating healthily still seem lots of fun.

mostly swimming end of Sydney 029

So where does the love go?

C and I were not together long before we fell pregnant. We’d talked about it, how much we both wanted kids together but we hadn’t really committed to it, or at least I hadn’t in my head. We were lax about contraception and voila, A was born 9 months later.

The speed with which things have happened have, until now, worked in our favour as a couple. We were still going through the honeymoon phase of our relationship when our first was born and fell even more in love as new parents. I really do believe that the newness of C and I helped us cope with first newborn hell and made us even more starry-eyed.

And for so long since then, even after S was born, I’ve thought how lucky I am to still feel so utterly (and newly) in love with my husband. Until about a month ago, when I had the inevitable reality of the relationship shakes. I believe that these ‘shakes’ truely are inevitable and probably a necessary part of any relationship. My guess is that they play an important role in making a relationship stronger.

Having said this, it threw me. It was unexpected. It scared the hell out of me. We’ve recently moved states and I’ve left friends and family to be here in Melbourne. I was always looking forward to the challenge and I’ve always been impressed by Melbourne as a city, but as leaving day drew nearer, I realised I wasn’t so fine with it all. I freaked out. And C kept getting more and more excited as I got more and more resentful.

We started fighting. As you know my health has also been crap and that was getting me down. The boys are sleeping that well so add to all this a good dose of sleep deprivation. We bickered, I was irritated and irritating. He was nasty. I was very angry. So was he. This pattern has played itself out on and off for about 4 weeks now and it’s getting tired.

I realised the other night when we were out to dinner that it was the first time where we were on our own that I didn’t feel excited and heady with love for him. It seemed mundane. No fighting, but no intensity of conversation and emotion that usually comes when we actually get some time on our own. None of this speaks of any underlying troublein our relationship – at least I don’t believe so. But I guess what I’m coming to realise (and perhaps dread) is that this is just a natural part of any relationship and I need to get used to it. Or at least not get so despondent about it.

C says I have not been nice to him for a long time. He says I snap and always look for the negative in what he says. I realised for the first time yesterday, that he’s right. It’s been relentless, and while we’ll survive the inevitable boredom, the lessening intensity, we will not survive my constant niggling and undermining.

So, I realise that the love is obviously still here. No question. It’s changing form as it will continue to do for years and years to come (I hope). We’ve now been together long enough that negotiating one’s physical and psychical space is challenging but necessary. It’s hard but we have to do it and we have to do it better than we have been.

I need to improve and yesterday, I realised, I am totally committed to doing so.

We’re here

I’ll write more soon but we’re finally here, altogether now and while it feels so nice to be a family again, I cannot help feeling loss. Tears well in my eyes as I inspect our new home finding the linen cupboard and the breadboards, the nappies and the toothpaste.  

I am thrilled at the making of a new home but I can’t help but wonder why, oh why, did we need to do this 800kms away from the people I love.

I’m not sure I’ve made the right decision but my first day, tired as I am, in this new house, in this new city, in this new state, must just be that – a first day, rather than a last.

Moving

I’ve been so quiet because we’re in the process of moving from Sydney to Melbourne. No mean feat. I’m soooo exhausted. Totally beat. I can barely tap over the keyboard. But I miss this and will definitely be coming back to it. For sure. Won’t be long now.