Archive for June 22nd, 2009

Sleep monster…

rears its ugly head once again. Oh my, I’m done. D-O-N-E. It has now been 11 1/2 months of inconsistent to absolute-crap sleep from S and it’s really doing my head in. I’m mean, of course it is. I’m saying nothing new but for a while there I was committed to trying certain techniques on a regular and sustained basis in the knowledge that I was doing the hard-yards in return for some tangible rewards. Now I’m not so sure. He just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t respond to the techniques everyone else seems to rave about. He is up and down. Awake, asleep. Asleep but mostly AWAKE.

I was prepared to seriously consider a third but I just don’t know I could do another round of this. Especially when I’m not sure I wouldn’t also be dealing with S’s sleep habits at the same time.

I’m so tired and tiredness works well to make you resent life. Resent being out of bed and actually living. Tiredness means bed is the only haven and coffee the only sustenance. Tiredness makes me feel like life’s on hold.

My grandmother died on Saturday. Ten minutes after S and I and my father had left her bedside. She was sleeping after a cruel spell of painful breathing. Her passing makes me (once again) look at life – its fragility, its transience.

Lying in bed last night after I had succumbed and left S with a bottle, I was thinking of the strange paradox of it all.┬áLife ┬ámeans so much and yet is extinguished so quickly and often thoughtlessly. Any moment we could be gone and my worry about lack of sleep and its attendant complications would mean nothing at all. I have been thinking that EVERY MOMENT MUST COUNT. And then, I’m wacked with lethargy and weariness and I struggle to make ANY moment count or matter.

Hmph……there are no answers. But like every life, every moment too shall pass. Every non-sleeping, weary, fuzzy brained moment.

June 2009