The best I can

I’m feeling sluggish and pretty down today. There are reasons. But more than anything, it seems impossible to get going on the work front. I have been at my computer for an hour and a half and am no further through anything than when I sat down. A few moments ago I wrote a sentence on desktop sticky. “I’m doing the best I can.” It made me feel better for a while but then I glanced at it again and began questioning the substance of it. I’m mean, am I? Am I, right now, doing the best I can?

Because I feel a bit crappy, I can answer yes. It seems I’m not going to get much done today for that reason. On the other hand, if I were really doing the best I can, would I not be working harder to jump start myself out of this malaise and begin doing some real, substantial work instead of distracting myself with blog writing.

I sat down to write this entry in order to try and make sense of these thoughts that are swimming blindly around my head. It has only just occurred to me that this might just be another firm example of why I’m not doing the best I can.

I (we all) put so much goddamn pressure on myself to be working at full capacity all the time. I feel terribly guilty that this morning, my first morning on my own in over a week, I’ve had a quick morning nap, I’ve got little work done, I am finding hard to motivate myself. When I say guilty, I mean I feel pretty much crap about myself.

It seems as a mother, and a mother who tries to work works from home, it feels totally inexcusable to take a moment for oneself. It feels like the soft option; the lazy way; the opting out. Right now, I feel bad because I feel bad and in feeling bad I’m not getting anything done which means that I’ll be madly rushing to get the work finished later in the week when I’ll have a baby or two at home and also working at night when I want to crash in front of the TV. I’ll be madly typing away, staying up late only to get up early to a baby who doesn’t like to sleep in the mornings and then feeling crappy and in a bad mood with everyone because I’m tired because I DIDN’T GET THROUGH MY WORK ON TUESDAY MORNING BECAUSE I FELT LIKE CRAP.

None of it really makes sense does it? I still haven’t answered my question, am I really doing the best I can? Would the best be getting through my work no matter how bad I feel so that I’m more available to everyone else later in the week and feel less stressed when I’m required to give more of myself?

Or does doing the best you can, just mean that you can only do what you can do in any given moment dependent on nothing?

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June 2009

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