Sick leave

Oink oink…..no, I don’t think it is the swine flu but goddamn it’s the bloody African safari version of something that has bought me to my knees (and flat on my back in bed) this last week. Stuff the pigs, I’ve been sick as a dog and all in the lead up to our little soiree in wine country. More than pissed off. But hey, I’ve now passed it on to both boys who have both turned into their own version of Damian. And I’m leaving them tomorrow to sort it out with their grandmothers both of whom are staying here to take care of them while we are away. Yes, these dudes need two fully competent, mothers and grandmothers to look after them because they are FULL ON!

I’m trying to encourage a love- in with A at the moment¬†because his behaviour has been beyond appalling in the last few weeks. It’s like his head is spinning so fast round and round and round all the time and he has not time to stop and check in on what the hell he’s doing. C has lost it and C has the patience of a goldfish. And he’s begun speaking to A in a way that I know does not serve the situation well. I can only figure that A has become this diabolical entity because deep down he’s trying to attract attention that he feels, for whatever reason, is currently lacking. My secret fear (and I have carried this with me since having the boys) is that this is true. That I don’t give him enough attention. That I’m too often distracted. That it’s easier to fold the washing than build a train track. That I pretend I’ve got very important things to do to avoid running in the park and helping him climb the monkey bars.

There I’ve said it. This fear looms large most of the time. It paralyses me and stupidly makes me self-conscious sometimes when I’m with either of the boys. I also have a pathological fear of not being liked and that too plays itself out in my relationship with the boys. How sad is that.

I’m trying hard to bring my attention to these fears and the way they manifest themselves on a day-to-day basis. Hopefully, then, I can make the most of this beauty I carry through my life in every moment.

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