Archive for March 16th, 2009

If I close my eyes…..

Chet Baker could be Pete Campbell singing…..and that’s just depressing. I heart Chet and snarl at Pete.

As days go by…..

The boys are away in Victoria for very important reasons. I’m stoking the home fires in their absence but for absolutely noone but me so it seems kinda pointless. Only a week ago did I dream of some respite, some relief in the form of extended sleep and lying in bed. A dream which implicity assumes that either the boys don’t exist (like in my previous life) or that someone kind enough has swept in and taken them off our hands for an indefinite period of time. Despite the fact we are very supported by family who help out when they can, the chance that either of these two things occurring is nil. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Then, what happens out of the blue? We get a call asking that the boys come down to Victoria when C goes for the court date. And me? I’m on my own, in the comfort of my own home for THREE days!! OMG……Talk about the heavens answering. When all the travel arrangements were made, I let my imagination skip round, planning highly indulgent days: books to be read, movies to see, sleep to enjoy, computer time to myself, no feed times, no bottles, no baths, no angry words with people under 3, bed to myself, food the way I like (ie in real sized adult pieces) and the list goes on and on. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on.

Well…..the moment they were all gone, I howled. And howled. I always do. It’s this thing that happens whenever anyone I live with goes away. I’ve always done it when C goes somewhere overnight (rarely) and have even been known to do it when he goes down to Canberra for the day (soooo completey sad I know, no reminders necessary). And to be honest, while yesterday was a lovely day – I enjoyed a movie on my own, I sat in a cafe with mint tea and read my great book, I cooked the most insanely delicious soup for dinner, opened a nice bottle of wine and sat in front of my computer enjoying much coveted episodes of Mad Men – it all feels rather empty round here. Too empty. There’s rattling in my brain and in my heart that just isn’t there when they are around. I guess I’ve been  a bit knocked for six because I was sure that this was going to be the self-indulgent time I’ve only dreamed about before.

Most importantly, I thought that it would be a great time to tap into ME. You know, that person who isn’t someone’s mother or wife or employee or sister or daughter or friend. Just for a moment, I thought I’d enjoy a rare moment with myself. Well, surprises all round there but that’s for another day, another post.

Suffice to say, I’m desperately happy that they’re coming home tomorrow and I think, despite the fact S’s sleep is a bit precious at the moment cos there isn’t much, when I walk in the door late tomorrow night after work, I will walk into their room and wake them both to hold them. And that is a dream to be realised.

March 2009
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