The small things

Ever since my health came into question, I have moved to a far greater place of introspection. Funnily enough, it has quietened me and pared away so many layers (old, unwanted, never used, uncomfortable, unlikely, unfortunate) that had been hanging around just in case I needed them or wanted to put them on. I can’t explain why this has happened. I guess what I’m trying to say is this diagnosis has made the crap fall away.

So, what’s left? Well, that’s the interesting bit. What’s left for me seems only to be my family. All my antennae for the things that make me tick on an individual level seem to have recoiled and I’m just left with this overwhelming love for my two boys and ‘stayer’ DH. It’s like all the searching I’d been doing for years and years and years to try hard to find what makes me tick has gone. Right now, what makes me tick is just time and love to share with my boys.

This sounds soppy and over-the-top and I’ve rewritten this post enough to try and move away from that. But seriously, suddenly the sun has come out and all I want to do is sit on the floor of A’s room pushing trains around the plastic Island of Sodor that he loves. Where before he’s ask me to ‘play trains’ and I (without thought) would say, ‘not at the moment,’ now I stop what I’m going to be with him and play for as long as he needs only intermittently asking for cuddles and kisses both of which he gives in plenty.

All my personal projects have fallen by the wayside. Not in my usual ‘procrastinatory’ manner but because I..just..don’ Maybe it will come back, in some ways I hope so but sometimes I don’t because I..just..don’

It’s like my biology has just taken over from the emotional and analytical processes I have allowed to rule my body for so long. My body (despite being less whole and increasingly less whole than it used to be) is saying ‘mother’, ‘mother’, ‘mother’. And I have really begun to awaken to myself.

This makes me sound like I was a shit mother and now I’m just annoying one. Thing is, I’m not sharing this ‘newness’ with anyone but you so it’s hard to annoy people. Sure I’m less social but that was already on the cards with the entry of two children. I don’t have to make any excuses ever. I don’t want to talk about my children endlessly and I don’t want them on exhibit. I do want to be with them more and I do love them to death. What can I say? I’m a goner….

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February 2009
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