Archive for February, 2009

I do what I like

You know other kind of funny thing going on in the wake of all of this is that I’m starting to do just what I like. I’m watching more movies, lying on the couch more, downloading more musci that makes me sing. I go to bed so early partly because the lure of my blogroll has faded somewhat. I’m looking inward, quietly. Gently touching spots of inspiration that occasionally arise instead of looking to others to inspire in me what I know is there.

I don’t feel bad, sometimes uncomfortable which annoys me more in reminding me I have this condition rather than causing me any discomfort. I don’t want to opt out of life because of this. That would be letting it beat me. No, I want to actually want to be ‘in life’ more than ever!

Our mornings

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The small things

Ever since my health came into question, I have moved to a far greater place of introspection. Funnily enough, it has quietened me and pared away so many layers (old, unwanted, never used, uncomfortable, unlikely, unfortunate) that had been hanging around just in case I needed them or wanted to put them on. I can’t explain why this has happened. I guess what I’m trying to say is this diagnosis has made the crap fall away.

So, what’s left? Well, that’s the interesting bit. What’s left for me seems only to be my family. All my antennae for the things that make me tick on an individual level seem to have recoiled and I’m just left with this overwhelming love for my two boys and ‘stayer’ DH. It’s like all the searching I’d been doing for years and years and years to try hard to find what makes me tick has gone. Right now, what makes me tick is just time and love to share with my boys.

This sounds soppy and over-the-top and I’ve rewritten this post enough to try and move away from that. But seriously, suddenly the sun has come out and all I want to do is sit on the floor of A’s room pushing trains around the plastic Island of Sodor that he loves. Where before he’s ask me to ‘play trains’ and I (without thought) would say, ‘not at the moment,’ now I stop what I’m going to be with him and play for as long as he needs only intermittently asking for cuddles and kisses both of which he gives in plenty.

All my personal projects have fallen by the wayside. Not in my usual ‘procrastinatory’ manner but because I..just..don’t..care. Maybe it will come back, in some ways I hope so but sometimes I don’t because I..just..don’t..care.

It’s like my biology has just taken over from the emotional and analytical processes I have allowed to rule my body for so long. My body (despite being less whole and increasingly less whole than it used to be) is saying ‘mother’, ‘mother’, ‘mother’. And I have really begun to awaken to myself.

This makes me sound like I was a shit mother and now I’m just annoying one. Thing is, I’m not sharing this ‘newness’ with anyone but you so it’s hard to annoy people. Sure I’m less social but that was already on the cards with the entry of two children. I don’t have to make any excuses ever. I don’t want to talk about my children endlessly and I don’t want them on exhibit. I do want to be with them more and I do love them to death. What can I say? I’m a goner….

Remembering the grace….

I really need to do this again. I’ve had a tough time recently with a crappy medical diagnosis that has made me awful. It’s a condition that I will live with all my life and I feel too young and too on the brink of the great things in life to have developed this. However, I am coming out of the darkest depths of self-pity and self-flagellation and am realising that now, more than ever, I need to see GRACE in small things. So,

1. Perfect ‘research’ dinner with my beautiful other as we discuss at length our wine-bar project.

2. Coffee with a friend about to leave for a wonderful journey through the Middle East. Vicarious pleasure on my part just hearing about the itinerary.

3. My boy’s face as he spys me through the gate at day care.

4. Soft purple tulips brimming with love.

5. Belief in myself and my own strength that I can manage this thing. I never knew I had it in me.

Ahhhh…..that was easy and I feel great now. I go with grace….

Place on earth

Body let-down

We’ve been away but more than that, I’ve had some bad ‘body’ news in the last few days. It’s a condition that is really bringing me down as I’m not sure it’s resolvable. I’m trying so hard to get back on the ‘glass half full’ wagon but god it’s been hard. Really hard. As hard as it’s been in a long, long, long while and I’m hoping dearly that I’ll get back my mojo and be able to include this ‘condition’ in my life without sacrificing my improving attitude.

More than anything, I’m feeling completely betrayed by my own body. Perhaps I haven’t been kind enough to it in the past? I don’t know. I think I’ve been ok. It’s been kind of slowing down since A’s birth and giving me a bit of grief but now it’s just whacked me one and I just feel like giving in. It’s got me so bad I’m considering going back to my medication. I would hate that but I want to feel better than I do. I guess some CBT might help also because deep down I know that I need to accept this as part of my life in order to move forward. That’s so damn hard right now.

Anyway, we had a lovely time away despite me being pretty down. Photos are to come.

Frames per second

When I began my blog, it was an attempt to consciously change my way of thinking and choices in life. I wanted to always err on the side of the abundant, the full, the plenty, the expansive – to try as hard as I could to get as much out of life  I knew I hadn’t been and I knew that I needed a constant reminder (the blog) in order to manifest these ideas in the day-to-day.

Last Thursday was such a perfect example of the old internal tussle. I was on the brink of the worst case of tonsillitis anyone in the world has ever experienced (with simply no exaggeration what so ever!) and I had tickets to this gig. I ummmed and ahhhhed for so damn long about whether I should bother going, but always this voice on my left-hand shoulder urged me towards, ‘the glass half full.’ Of course, I should go, I love the music to death and I knew that the experience was potentially enriching. I’d seen Hansard’s band , The Frames, play a few years ago and it was up there in top Francesca musical experiences.

The voice on my right-hand shoulder (the skinny, miserly dude whose nose is constantly running and whose coat is threadbare, was telling me that ‘ain’t nothing goin’ to be enriching when you feel like total shit. Fact Mama, you’re gonna feel a whole lot worse at the end.’)

Lordy, lordy. Somehow, the idea of escaping this internal dialogue meant getting out of the house. I knew I’d stop thinking about it if I just got out of there (even if I regretted it later).

Of course I had no regret. I was never going to regret it. It ain’t possible to regret something like this. I’m not going to try and give a review of this gig. I don’t have the language and I will undersell and under play the pure magic that these guys create. It is magic. Powerful magic. And the joy of attending was intensified when The Frames walked on to support these two. A double whammy. Oh Lord, my glasseth was a’overflowin’.

I’m glad that my glass is filling up even more these days. It helps giving the right-hand shoulder guy a plastic bag to put over this head. Yes, I was sicker the next morning. Yes, I felt like death warmed up. But as I shuffled slowly along the street to the doctor’s surgery, the music playing in my head made all that that crap a-ok.

B – eauticious and B-elievable

Sizzle says had a fun post up the other day which is another fun meme (I’m getting a bit obsessive let alone sidetracked).

Ten things I love brought to you by the letter B (as chosen bySizzle).

1. Bread – I know kind of lame particularly because it’s kind of obvious. But I love it. I really do. The chewier, denser, sourer, the better. I love it as toast especially with the butter dripping through the little air pockets. Yum yum. It’s comfort food and party food. It’s there in the good times and the bad. What more can I say?

2. Beach – I’m not a great swimmer and sand kinda pisses me off but would you believe, my moments on the beach are definitely amongst my most special, my most revelatory and my most awakening. I love that first dive, the tumbling wash, the early morning slate sky which meets the steely horizen, the tingle of salt that remains on my body afterwards. Sometimes, if everything else feels slush, if life’s a bit jagged and my brain a bit rattled, diving into the ocean at the beach is like a rebirth….is this too much? I’m sorry but you know, the beach…..ROCKS.

3. Blogs – wow I LOVE them. I’m slightly obsessed and have now restricted myself from adding anymore to my favourites. I discovered blogs about 3 years ago so I’m a relative newbie. I still read daily the first ones that I found. They are like old friends. Fact: I had never left a comment until this year. Fact: my reading of other people’s blogs means I never write enough on mine. Fact: blogs have made me feel less alone. Fact: blogs can make me feel inspired and very daggy at the same time.

4. Books – this probably should have been one because it’s held my passion the longest. I am obsessed and have been since a tiny tot. I read voraciously and become very distressed unsettled if I don’t have a book on me at all times. And that’s as the mother of two kids as well, a situation not remotely conducive to random flicks of a book during a downtime. There ain’t no downtime. I would have to say (and this is kind of embarassing) but this is one of the things I have struggled with most since having children. I just don’t have the same time for reading and the few drowsily turned pages prior to lights out at night just doesn’t provide the same experience as curling up on the bed mid-morning with a coffee and downing a few hundred pages in one go.

5. Beer – yep, I lurve it. When you develop the taste for beer (and it took me a little while – 18? ok not that long) you can’t look back. It’s damn refreshing and just generally cool. I committed myself to exploring more micro brewery beers this year. Australia has many and I always want to support the little guy. Beer’s just part of me and C too. Enjoying a beer together is fun fun fun. A likes to tell people that “mummy and daddy LOVE beer”. We don’t drink much anymore (that shit happens when life gurgles away with the arrival of children) but we’ve decided to try and brew some of our own soon. Ah happy days.

6. Balance – the ever elusive but most satisfying. Funnily enough, I have greater balance in my life now than I’ve experienced previously. Not necessarily because I give myself time to focus on all aspects of my life but rather, that I am now aware of what these aspects actually are. I have developed a much better understanding of myself and therefore now what things I like to focus on in order to make me feel at peace. While 5 years ago, I definitely had more time for myself, I didn’t spend it wisely. I have less time now but I know how to spend it. Anyway, true balance in life feels BRILLIANT! And isn’t equilibrium a beautiful word?

7. Bookclub – you might think I’m kinda cheating but honestly, this group of amazing women simply has to find its way into the top 10 of B things in my life. I started the group 4 years ago (wow, I had no idea it had been that long).  We started as a group of 4 and now are 7. Seriously, this group of women is hot. They are so well-read, beautiful, funny, soo soo soo smart. Our evenings together are always a laugh whether we’re at someone’s home, in a nice fancy wine bar or in the dim back room of the pub. Our book choices leave just a little to be desired – I think we’re so busy trying to push ourselves and do something ‘different’ that we lose sight of the joy of reading but on the whole we have a varied and challenging reading list. This is seriously one the best ventures I’ve begun in my life. These women have bought so much to me.

8. Best of Chet Bakerbest-of-cbI’m loving this album I recently downloaded. It is thick coffee, deep red wine, luscious chocolate. He is the bomb. Sooo beautiful chet-bakerand his saxophone is incredible. For some reason, this album always makes me feel completely myself. I slip into my skin when I put this on. I’m always stuck on one album in this way. One that brings everything home.

9. Bed – obvious but true. I’m smitten. It always feels soooo good. Bed takes on new meaning after children. I don’t get enough of it and strangely, the more I get, the more I WANT!! Day bed probably feels even better than night bed. During those black first months of S’ life, bed and I went through an ambivalent patch. Every time I got in, S would cry. No fail. I stopped going to bed (especially for those catch up day naps) and you know what, S stopped crying. It was wierd. It was hard not to assume S was just trying to come between me and bed. Now, in our cuddling glory, S and I share beautiful time in bed. So it’s really the perfect menage e tois.

10. birdThis is such a great book. I love Anne Lamott’s writing soooo much and this is also her one book that starts with B! I wanted to fit her in somewhere. She’s at the top of my list at the moment. Her writing is pared back, simple but weighty with meaning. She’s ponderous in the most unself-indulgent way. She’s open and she’s honest. All the things I really admire in a non-fiction writer. I also love that you don’t get the sense that she has complete knowledge of how wonderful her writing is. That rings through her sentences which are unselfconscious but lyrical and thoughtful.

 

Ok, I’m done. That was fun; hard but great fun.

**If you want to participate, leave a comment on this post and I will assign you a letter. You then write about 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter and post them on your blog. When people comment on your posted list, you give them a letter and the chain continues on and on.