Memories, from the corner of my mind……

The strangest thing is when S was born, we would lay awake at night in my hospital bed staring at each other, oblivious to anything else going on in the world. In those moments, and I remember them so clearly, I felt that no one quite understood me like this dude quietly lying beside me. He couldn’t sleep (I wasn’t to know that this was a forewarning) and neither could I and getting him out of the sterile plastic capsule to feed him was just too awkward. An unusually kind night-nurse suggested that he lie in bed with me. I felt so at peace as we lay together. So quiet and safe. Our own special cocoon. It seems amazing that in the following few months, we were torn so violently apart. That we would stare at each other in the night, me above him staring down at him in the cot, each of us unable to recognise the beautiful being that lay beside us in the first early days.

 

Lucky for me, my memory of this early, early time with S is still so clear. I can smell him. I can hear his breathing. I can touch his bruised chin. If it weren’t for this, I’d wonder whether he was really mine. I hope that this is the memory that stays with me most vividly. Those following few months hold no recollection for me at all. I know that this is self-preservation at work. It may even be another clear example of human survival tactics. If I forget this time there is greater chance we may have more. For this, I’m lucky. I don’t want to remember the lack of emotion I felt for S. It seems so strange now but I do know it was real. Together we have so much more than that. We’re buddies. We’re close. And dare I say it, I think we’re actually deeply in love.

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