Archive for November, 2008

Interesting reading….

I’ve read this book before but as I was reading over sections last night in preparation for school, I came across the following and it resonated….

“When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimnes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered a few feet off the path, that you’ll find you way back ot hte trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have not idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered youself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.”

Mmmm…..those were my woods for sure. I kept thinking I was about to find the path and wander out simply because I wanted to. My desire was so strong I assumed that this would see me through. It ain’t that simple.

The ecstasy of being ordinary

I read a really interesting article recently here about our resistance to ordinariness. The comment was that being ordinary is something that we have come to distain and avoid in this crazy world of celebirty and achievement. It was something I can relate to well having been plagued somewhat by this phenomenon all my life. Only since having children have I been able to let it go somewhat but I often think of how my life hasn’t panned out the way I anticipated it would.

I thought I was going to be ‘someone’. My grandfather constantly told me that I would be famous. That he’d be watching me on the ‘big screen’ one day. That my destiny of celebrity was inevitable. While doubtful that Hollywood was ever going to welcome me with open arms, I too assumed that I would experience success and continue my pursuit of high achievement I has so comfortably begun in my adolescence. I had a childhood dream of being extraordinary. Didn’t we all?

Well I wouldn’t say that objective success has occurred. But what I have discovered is that actually, I am someone. I am someone to a select number of people but mean more to them despite little objective achievement. To these people it wouldn’t matter what I had done or I do.

Ordinary doesn’t mean mediocrity. In fact, in having children, I’ve done the least original thing in my whole life. But, interestingly, I don’t feel like I’m a mediocre mother. I’m not the best by any means. I’m not superb. But I know I’m not mediocre.

I teach. Mundane. Ordinary. But I don’t feel mediocre when I’m teaching. I feel like I fly.

My marriage isn’t mediocre. The relationships with my family are not mediocre. What I share with my friends is not mediocre. The small holidays my family enjoy each year, while not wildly exciting (too hard with two young children!) are not mediocre.

To me.

We all want uniqueness. I know that. But what I figure is that this uniqueness for me is not going to be found doing something that marks success in a cliched way. It will be doing and finding something that makes me feel amazing.

Feeling part of the ‘ordinary’ has actually enabled me to gain important perspective about problems and in doing so, actually provided me comfort. When I was struggling through the first few months of my second son’s life (so different to my first) I found it helpful to remind myself of the thousands of women (or parents) who would be experiencing something similar or even worse at the exact same time. This enabled me to shed some of the dark gloom that had fallen so completely over me. It made me shake my feelings of self-pity that were keeping me back from developing a relationship with my son.

I feltĀ liberated when I read this article because I realised again I was ‘ordinary’ in my once desire to extraordinary. That made me feel less lame somehow…

I’m filling up my glass…..

I guess I always saw myself asĀ a glass half empty person. I remember being asked the question in high school and feeling I’d ‘failed’ when I answered empty. It’s stayed with me, this distinction and it’s allowed me to set my sights on changing my perspective.

Only in the last couple of days since starting this blog, I’ve realised that I don’t want my glass to be half full. I want it to be totally full….all the time. It’s only something you can strive for but it’s definitely sent me into a bit of a spin. I guess because it’s made me realised that it’s not full right at this moment. I’m the only one who can fill it up.

So that’s why I’m here. This is my process of filling up my glass. It’s not about trying to see the glass has half full rather than empty as I originally thought….if that makes sense.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to meeting you. It’s bits and pieces of me here and I ask that you join me in raising our very FULL glasses to a beautiful future.

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November 2008